Perhaps you don't know this about me, but I am not a morning person. I am very much a night-owl. This means that if I'm in bed before 10:00 it's because I'm not feeling well. Or I'm just exhausted. This means that if I get woken up, I'm not going to be nice and friendly. And I'll probably look like death. And I'll most likely be pissed at you because I slept from 9:30 to 11:30. That's like a nap. Then I'll be awake until 3 in the A.M.! No bueno. Especially when I have to force myself out of my nice warm bed at 7:00. Yuck. So, please, little sleep killers...SSSSHHHH!
That is all. Much love.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Growing Pains and Laughing Games
You may have noticed that the name of my blog changed. There is good reason for that. Recently, I have been thinking about life in general. I've also been thinking about specific stages in life. Infancy, childhood, teenage years, adulthood, and so on. It's no secret that life is hard. There are times when I just want to give up. Crawl under my covers and never come out. There are also times when I learn and grow so much. This semester of school has taught me about how people operate. Sometimes, I don't want to know the things that are brought to my attention. I would rather live in ignorance with some things. I know that ignorance is not always bliss, but in some cases, it is. Transitioning into adulthood is a strange thing for me. I think I've always been mature beyond my years, but I cannot fathom living completely on my own yet. I can't imagine what it will be like to be married. I don't really have the desire to imagine that right now, though. Quite frankly, I'm getting fed up with the male specimen. Like, really, boys? Are you ever going to grow up? I don't know...I can only wish. But I don't wish anymore. You can only wish so many times and not have it come true before you just stop wishing. I guess that's part of being a grown-up. You have to come to terms with reality, no matter how much it sucks.
I don't want you to think that I'm a pessimist, because I'm really not. I'm just in a rut right now, I guess. But this is where the other part of my title comes in: Laughing Games. My life is full of so much fun and so many wonderful people. I would be an awful person if I didn't talk about how grateful I am for them and for the happy times in my life. Laughter is my favorite thing in the world. It can drive away tears, pain, and anger. It really is the best medicine. One of my nicknames is Snickerdoodle because I laugh so much. A new nickname from school this year is Giggle Monster. I love it. I love that people recognize me for my laughter. I love that they laugh simply because I'm laughing.
Story of note: My friend, Joey, decided that he was going to dye his bleach-blonde hair red. Like, RED. Haha. So, he goes to shower after the dye has been on long enough and comes out stained red. Oh, Joey...laughter! What a predicament. How do we get this off? Emma and I start thinking of things to try. She calls her mom to ask for advice. Her mom tells us to try cold cream, which I just happen to have. We bring Joey to my room and start rubbing this stuff on his face. Haha. Oh, gosh.
"This is all beauty crap!"
"Yeah, it is, but it's working!" Eventually we got most of the dye off of his face. Then we moved on to the toe nails that had been stained pink. Most hysterical thing everrr! Apparently Joey's toes don't like cotton balls soaked in polish remover, but my sense of humor loves that fact.
Another thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately is love. I believe in love, but, to what extent, I'm not sure. I believe in the pure love that Christ has for everyone. I believe in the love that we have for family and very close friends. I believe in the love between a husband and wife, but how strong is that love? Are we really capable of loving someone more than we love ourselves? Sometimes I don't think so. Lately it just seems to me that people look out for Number One. It's like, yeah, I love you, but what about me? What about what I want? What about what I need? What about the fact that it's not convenient for me to jump up in the middle of the night to help you? I do it anyway, but why don't I get anything in return? I mean, don't get me wrong. I know that love is NOT about expecting anything in return, but sometimes I feel like I deserve to be treated much better than the way I'm being treated. People use and abuse. That's how they are. Most do it unintenitonally, but there are few that just know how to manipulate everyone to get exactly what they want. Are those few happy? I'm just wondering. Do they know how much it hurts to be used and thrown to the side? I call those people my "convenient friends." Yeah, I'll be your friend when it's convenient for me, but as soon as I've sucked you dry, I'll toss you. Thanks, friends. I don't know. I've had some bad experiences, I guess. Even the guy that told me that he was different and was going to prove to me that he could treat me how I should be treated ended up being the same as the rest. Does that loving feeling really exist? Are guys really all the same? I like to hope not, but I'm still waiting. I'll continue to wait. Patiently. And take the crap that comes in the meantime. Because that's what I do. I'm a glutton for punishment in some ways. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. So I put myself out there, and I get hurt. I'm starting to build this wall. I'm starting to push people away. I find myself saying things now like, "I don't want a boyfriend. Are you kidding? I'm never going to get married. I just don't want that." There really is a part of me that doesn't want these things anymore. Life is easier when I don't care about people as more than friends. When I don't expect anything more from them than friendship. If I can even call what I have with some people a friendship. Sometimes, I catch myself being bitter and cynical. I catch myself glaring at happy couples. I catch myself being almost angry because they're happy together, and I'm not. I don't want to see PDA when I'm not getting any. I find myself thinking that it's never going to happen for me. But then I get the, "Well, with that attitude it's not going to." You know what I have to say to that? Eff you. You don't know me. You don't know why I'm feeling that way. Maybe, if you'd experienced everything that I have with the opposite sex, you'd feel a little bit like that. Maybe not, but either way, who are you to tell me something like that? I want more than anything to be happy with someone. I yearn for it. I used to wish for it. But, let's face it, who wants to love a cynic?
I don't want you to think that I'm a pessimist, because I'm really not. I'm just in a rut right now, I guess. But this is where the other part of my title comes in: Laughing Games. My life is full of so much fun and so many wonderful people. I would be an awful person if I didn't talk about how grateful I am for them and for the happy times in my life. Laughter is my favorite thing in the world. It can drive away tears, pain, and anger. It really is the best medicine. One of my nicknames is Snickerdoodle because I laugh so much. A new nickname from school this year is Giggle Monster. I love it. I love that people recognize me for my laughter. I love that they laugh simply because I'm laughing.
Story of note: My friend, Joey, decided that he was going to dye his bleach-blonde hair red. Like, RED. Haha. So, he goes to shower after the dye has been on long enough and comes out stained red. Oh, Joey...laughter! What a predicament. How do we get this off? Emma and I start thinking of things to try. She calls her mom to ask for advice. Her mom tells us to try cold cream, which I just happen to have. We bring Joey to my room and start rubbing this stuff on his face. Haha. Oh, gosh.
"This is all beauty crap!"
"Yeah, it is, but it's working!" Eventually we got most of the dye off of his face. Then we moved on to the toe nails that had been stained pink. Most hysterical thing everrr! Apparently Joey's toes don't like cotton balls soaked in polish remover, but my sense of humor loves that fact.
Another thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately is love. I believe in love, but, to what extent, I'm not sure. I believe in the pure love that Christ has for everyone. I believe in the love that we have for family and very close friends. I believe in the love between a husband and wife, but how strong is that love? Are we really capable of loving someone more than we love ourselves? Sometimes I don't think so. Lately it just seems to me that people look out for Number One. It's like, yeah, I love you, but what about me? What about what I want? What about what I need? What about the fact that it's not convenient for me to jump up in the middle of the night to help you? I do it anyway, but why don't I get anything in return? I mean, don't get me wrong. I know that love is NOT about expecting anything in return, but sometimes I feel like I deserve to be treated much better than the way I'm being treated. People use and abuse. That's how they are. Most do it unintenitonally, but there are few that just know how to manipulate everyone to get exactly what they want. Are those few happy? I'm just wondering. Do they know how much it hurts to be used and thrown to the side? I call those people my "convenient friends." Yeah, I'll be your friend when it's convenient for me, but as soon as I've sucked you dry, I'll toss you. Thanks, friends. I don't know. I've had some bad experiences, I guess. Even the guy that told me that he was different and was going to prove to me that he could treat me how I should be treated ended up being the same as the rest. Does that loving feeling really exist? Are guys really all the same? I like to hope not, but I'm still waiting. I'll continue to wait. Patiently. And take the crap that comes in the meantime. Because that's what I do. I'm a glutton for punishment in some ways. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. So I put myself out there, and I get hurt. I'm starting to build this wall. I'm starting to push people away. I find myself saying things now like, "I don't want a boyfriend. Are you kidding? I'm never going to get married. I just don't want that." There really is a part of me that doesn't want these things anymore. Life is easier when I don't care about people as more than friends. When I don't expect anything more from them than friendship. If I can even call what I have with some people a friendship. Sometimes, I catch myself being bitter and cynical. I catch myself glaring at happy couples. I catch myself being almost angry because they're happy together, and I'm not. I don't want to see PDA when I'm not getting any. I find myself thinking that it's never going to happen for me. But then I get the, "Well, with that attitude it's not going to." You know what I have to say to that? Eff you. You don't know me. You don't know why I'm feeling that way. Maybe, if you'd experienced everything that I have with the opposite sex, you'd feel a little bit like that. Maybe not, but either way, who are you to tell me something like that? I want more than anything to be happy with someone. I yearn for it. I used to wish for it. But, let's face it, who wants to love a cynic?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
